The Confederate Battle Flag - Symbol of Cognitive Dissonance

I fist noticed the phenomenon when I was a junior high kid in Arkansas, and the teacher reminded us that the following Monday was a school holiday for Robert E. Lee’s birthday. “What??” I thought. “Why would you make a holiday for a general on the opposing side of the civil war? A general who surrendered! The war is over! The south lost! Why are you still holding on to lost causes?” Of course, I wasn’t brash enough to say any of this out loud. I probably would have been given licks with the paddle. (Corporal punishment was very much a thing in Arkansas schools at the time. And if you didn’t guess, “licks” means “spanks.”) 

Along with celebrating civil war generals, I've also seen over the years many people display the confederate flag. This was usually as a symbol of rebellion, a strange kind of national pride, and occasionally for what it really was: a symbol of refusing to give up on a caste system based on race, skin color, or ethnic origin - in short, to promote white supremacy. 

But what really confuses me is when people wave the confederate army flag and shout how patriotic they are. Huh?? How can you wave the flag that symbolizes being AGAINST the United States of America while professing that you are vehemently FOR the United States of America? For example, when a group rallied in Portland in opposition of Black Lives Matters protesters, obviously their use of the confederate flag was to shout their opinion that Black Lives Do NOT Matter, at least not as much as white lives. But when asked, they said they were there to show their patriotism, their loyalty to the United States (and President Trump), and their desire to protect federal property. 

Again, I’m confused. That flag was raised as part of a rebellion against the United States, to NOT be a part of the United States, in the bloodiest war in U.S. history, which started, ironically, with an attack on federal property, Fort Sumter. And now people are waving that flag and saying how wrong these protesters are who are rebelling against U.S. policy or practice and, in some cases, attacking federal property. Apparently it was OK to do those things to protect the institution of slavery, but it’s not OK to do them to rebel against the vestiges of slavery. 

Similarly, I was confused when I came across a small cemetery on a hike a few years ago, and saw gravestones with American flags on the graves of confederate soldiers, like this one:

At first glance, I wondered if someone was trying to make a statement, like “ha ha! The Confederate States of America lost and the USA won! So I’m going to put an American flag on your grave to rub your nose in it!” But no, I think the person who placed the flags honestly believes that these are patriotic heroes. I don’t question that these soldiers did what they thought was right, and perhaps fought valiantly for their cause. But why would someone think that a soldier who rebelled against, perhaps even hated, the United States, would now be proud to have the stars and stripes on their grave? Why would the passage of more than a hundred years make an anti-American now pro-American? 

As a final example, why do we have statues, portraits, and military bases to honor the leaders of the secession? If fighting valiantly against the United States of America, even if you lose the war, is a measure of greatness, why don’t we honor other heroic soldiers, like General Cornwallis, Hirohito, or Erwin Rommel? They opposed the United States, they lost in battle, and they surrendered. Don’t they deserve some praise? How is that different? We have a Fort Benning; why not a Göring Air Force Base? How did we reach the point of honoring enemies of the state as heroes of the state?

It all comes back to the notion that, somehow, preserving hatred toward the United States of America and its constitution is patriotic. Or rather, holding onto a wish that the country you wish you had - where white supremacy reigns - is noble and worthy. And honoring those who attacked and rebelled against the United States is being patriotic. How can these opposites live in people’s heads today? It comes down to this: cognitive dissonance. 

As you may know, cognitive dissonance is the process of people justifying new information and beliefs that don’t necessarily align with their values in order to eliminate feelings of guilt or psychological discomfort. For example, you may go along with or even join in teasing the fat kid at school because you don’t want to be left out, or worse, made fun of yourself. And pretty soon you believe the bad things that are being said, so that you can justify actions which previously you felt were wrong. You have to tell yourself that Blacks, Jews, or immigrants are lazy, poor, ignorant, or overly-ambitious to make yourself feel that they deserve the treatment they get. The ruling class will go out of its way to segregate and keep these groups poor and ignorant, so they can further justify bad attitudes and treatment toward them. Besides, it’s generally easier to hate the stranger than someone you’ve gotten to know. 

And while I thought I was pretty clever when I made this connection between cognitive dissonance and flying the confederate flag, it turns out that the topic of cognitive dissonance in racial and ethnic xenophobia has been studied in depth. In fact, studies have shown a strong correlation between lasting xenophobia and proximity to where atrocities have occurred, such as the southern U.S. and near Nazi concentration camps. (For example, see https://www.futurity.org/us-south-racial-bias-cotton-king/ and https://source.wustl.edu/2020/03/study-links-present-day-xenophobia-political-intolerance-to-third-reich/.)

As you can imagine, it’s very difficult to convince someone of their own cognitive dissonance. Indeed, cognitive behavioral therapy or other treatments may take a long time to help someone both recognize the dissonance and then do something constructive about it. Of course, we often want to point it out when we see it in others. 

While I don’t claim to be free of any cognitive dissonance in aspects of my own life, I can’t help but want to tell people waving the confederate flag that it represents the exact opposite of what they think they are promoting. It is anti-United States, anti-U.S. Constitution, pro-rebellion, even pro-destruction of federal property, and worst of all: pro-white supremacy. I’m not only not OK with those values, but I’m baffled and disgusted by the hypocrisy of those waving that flag and feeling all patriotic about it. Even though reality can be hard, I wish they would just recognize and admit that they are hateful and anti-American, and then we can work with the cards they’ve dealt. 

Entschuldigen Sie, Herr Ober, das habe ich nicht bestellt!

(Auch in Englisch verfügbar)

Vor kurzem war ich in einem gehobenen Restaurant beim Essen. Ich studierte die mehrseitige Speisekarte und wählte ein vielversprechendes Gericht aus. Als dann mein Essen serviert wurde, sah es ganz anders aus als das, was ich erwartet hatte. Ich fragte den Ober, ob das wirklich das Gericht war, das ich bestellt hatte. Er versicherte mir, dass dem so sei. Also probierte ich das Essen schließlich. Aber es schmeckte mir nicht. Als ich noch jung und schüchtern war, hätte ich mich nie getraut, etwas zu sagen, selbst wenn es sich nicht um das von mir bestellte Gericht gehandelt hätte. Aber der Gedanke daran, wie viel ich für dieses Essen ausgeben würde und welche Erwartungen ich daran hatte, brachte mich beherzt dazu, den Ober höflich zu fragen, ob ich nicht etwas anderes haben könnte. Er reagierte sehr freundlich auf meine Bitte und sagte etwas wie: „Natürlich. Das Leben ist zu kurz, um etwas zu essen, was Ihnen nicht schmeckt”. Das neue Gericht, das mir dann serviert wurde, schmeckte vorzüglich, und der Abend verlief schließlich so, wie ich es gewünscht hatte.

Ein paar Monate später wurde ich schwer enttäuscht – etwas, wofür ich mich eingesetzt und gebetet hatte, scheiterte. Nach einem tiefen Seufzer sagte ich zu mir: „Ich habe so hart gearbeitet, und das ist das Ergebnis...Ich habe das nicht bestellt. Schicken Sie’s zurück!” Ich musste schmunzeln, denn meine innere Reaktion war wohl auf meine Erfahrung in dem Restaurant zurückzuführen. Da musste ich mir selbst die Frage stellen: Wie oft habe ich meinen Himmlischen Vater wie einen Oberkellner behandelt? Wie häufig sind meine Gebete wie einer Bestellung im Restaurant? „Geben Sie mir das, und das und … weil ich besonders brav bin ... noch das. ” Und wenn sich dann meine Bitten erfüllten, und diese sich im alltäglichen Leben versteckten, lehnte ich sie ab, da sie nicht genau dem entsprachen, was ich „bestellt“ hatte. Und wenn sich meine Wünsche nicht erfüllten, stellte ich den „Service“, den ich erhielt, in Frage.

Nun mal im Ernst: Wie oft war ich enttäuscht, dass meine Gebete nicht in der Art erhört wurden, wie ich es mir vorgestellt hatte? Wie oft habe ich um Gesundheit gebetet und bin doch krank geworden? Wie oft habe ich um finanziellen Erfolg gebetet und musste doch Rückschläge einstecken? Würde ich eine Liste der Dinge erstellen, die nicht in Erfüllung gingen, wäre diese Liste lang und entmutigend. Ich bin versucht, die vielen Male aufzurechnen, bei denen ich um Brot gebeten, aber einen Stein erhalten habe oder zumindest etwas, was ich dafür hielt (siehe Matthäus 7:9). Aber was bringt mir das? Wie könnte ich so „Gott preisen, von dem all Segen fließt“? (Gesang num. 156) Und, noch wichtiger, wie wirkt sich dies auf meine Beziehung zum Vater im Himmel aus?

Eines, was ich mit den Jahren gelernt habe, ist, dass Erwartungen – oftmals unausgesprochene Wünsche an jemanden – oft das Schwierigste in zwischenmenschlichen Beziehungen sind, insbesondere, wenn diese Erwartungen nicht erfüllt werden. Je höher die Erwartungen, desto größer die potenzielle Enttäuschung. Ich erkannte jedoch, dass ich zu hohe Erwartungen an meinen Himmlischen Vater stellte, ohne ihn jedoch wirklich um Rat zu fragen. Ich erwartete, dass er meine Bestellungen ausführte – wie wenn er mein Oberkellner, mein Flaschengeist oder der Weihnachtsmann wäre. Ich stellte mir die Frage: weshalb, wenn ich nach seinem Abbild geschaffen wurde, ich versuchte, Gott nach meinen Vorstellungen so zurechtzuformen, wie er meiner Meinung nach sein sollte. Wenn Erwartungen zerschlagen werden und ein Unglück zur Verzweiflung führt, mache ich schnell Gott Vorwürfe dafür, dass er sich nicht an meinen Plan gehalten hat oder stelle sogar seine Existenz in Frage: „Wie könnte ein liebender Gott so etwas zulassen?“

Es sind diese Momenten größter Seelenqual, wenn ich mich verlassen und vergessen fühle, in denen ich mich an meinen Himmlischen Vater wenden kann und seine Liebe erfahre. Anstatt eine vorwurfsvolle, theoretische Frage zu stellen wie „Warum tust Du mir das an?“ kann ich mich an meinen Vater im Himmel in Demut wenden und um Weisheit und Verständnis und, am wichtigsten, um Geduld bitten. Es mag zwar sein, dass die Antwort auf sich warten lässt oder nicht in der von mir erwarteten Form kommt oder gar nicht kommt. Aber ich kann Trost und Nähe erhalten, sobald ich darum bitte. Wenn ich mich mit ihm austausche und genau hinhöre, Bescheidenheit und Dankbarkeit für den Segen zeige, der mir zuteil wird – trotz der Verluste und Kopfzerbrechen, kann ich Gott begreifen, wie er wirklich ist und nicht, wie ich ihn mir zurechtbiege. Ich habe erkannt, dass manches Negative in meinem Leben nicht so schmerzlich ist, nur weil etwas nicht so läuft, wie ich mir es gewünscht habe. Ich habe gelernt, dass manchmal etwas Negatives aufgrund meiner eigenen Entscheidungen oder jenen anderer passiert oder weil Gott mich läutert (Jesaja 48:10), oder etwas anderes vollbringt. Oder vielleicht erlebe ich einfach nur die Wirkungen des Lebens auf dieser Erde mit den Naturgesetzen, die auch zum Plan des Glücklichseins gehören, welchen ich mit Freude angenommen hatte. Ich kann Zeugnis geben davon, dass Gott auf wundersame Weise Unglück von uns fern halten kann, aber er Weise genug ist, es nicht immer zu tun. Und er wird uns nie seinen Segen zukommen lassen, indem jemand anders gezwungen ist, sich auf bestimmte Art zu verhalten und dabei dessen Wünsche ignoriert werden.

Ich habe vor kurzem etwas gelesen, was Präsident Boyd K. Packer zu diesem Thema gelehrt hat: „Solange Sie keinen weitreichenden Blick für die ewige Natur [des Plans] haben, können Sie den Ungereimtheiten des Lebens keine rechte Bedeutung abgewinnen. Da wird einer mit so wenig geboren, dort einer mit so viel. Da lebt einer in Armut, mit Behinderungen, mit Schmerzen und Leid. Dort sterben selbst unschuldige Kinder eines frühen Todes. Es gibt die brutale, erbarmungslose Gewalt der Natur und das brutale Verhalten, das ein Mensch dem anderen zufügt. Wir haben in letzter Zeit viel davon erlebt.“



„Sie dürfen nicht meinen, dass Gott das absichtlich bewirkt, was er – für seinen eigenen Zweck – zulässt. Wenn Sie den Plan und den Sinn hinter all dem kennen, wird auch durch das alles kundgetan, dass Gott ein liebevoller himmlischer Vater ist.“ (The Play and the Plan [satellite broadcast, 7 May 1995], 1–2) [emphasis added].

In den frühen Tagen der Kirche mussten viele gläubige Mitglieder schmerzliche, gewaltvolle Verfolgung erleiden – so wie viele Gläubige im Laufe der Geschichte. Als sie die weiten Ebenen nach Salt Lake Valley durchquerten, wurden viele Heiligen auf wundersame Weise verschont, während anderen großes Leid widerfahren ist oder sie ums Leben kamen. Wir sollten nicht annehmen, dass Gott manche mehr liebt und andere weniger. Wir sollten vielmehr Trost in der Tatsache finden, dass Gott jeden von uns kennt und liebt – die Haare auf dem Kopf sind sogar alle gezählt (Lukas 12:6-7). Er lässt die Geschenke jedem zukommen, die am besten zu ihm passen. So schmerzlich es auch sein mag, lernen und wachsen wir mit jeder Erfahrung. Es ist nicht das Ziel, ohne Herausforderungen oder Versuchungen durchs Leben zu gehen. Der Herr hat uns gesagt, dass wir in Bedrängnis geraten werden, aber er ermutigt uns, geduldig zu sein und hilft uns, unsere Bürde zu tragen und letztendlich zu reifen. „Sei geduldig in Bedrängnissen, denn du wirst viele haben; aber ertrage sie, denn sieh, ich bin mit dir, ja, bis ans Ende deiner Tage.“ (L&B 24:8. Siehe auch Alma 26:27-31 und Mosia 24:10-15.)

Wenn wir erkennen, dass unser Leben zwar nicht nach Plan verläuft, dass unsere Gebete nicht in der Art und zu dem Zeitpunkt erhört werden, wie von uns geplant, sollten wir dann aufhören zu bitten und nach etwas zu streben? Natürlich nicht! Der Herr fordert uns auf: „naht euch mir, und ich werde mich euch nahen; sucht mich eifrig, dann werdet ihr mich finden; bittet, und ihr werdet empfangen; klopfet an, und es wird euch aufgetan werden.“ (L&B 88:63; siehe auch Alma 34:17-27). Das Bibel-Wörterbuch von unserer Kirche enthält als Definition für Gebete den Eintrag: „Sobald wir die wahre Beziehung erkennen, die wir zu Gott haben (nämlich die zwischen Gott, unserem Vater und uns, seinen Kindern), werden unsere Gebete natürlich und instinktiv (Matthäus 7:7-11). Viele der sogenannten Schwierigkeiten, die wir mit dem Beten haben, resultieren darin, dass wir diese Beziehung vergessen. Beten ist eine Handlung, bei der der Wille des Kindes und der des Vaters miteinander in Beziehung gebracht werden. Das Ziel des Gebetes ist nicht, den Willen Gottes zu ändern, sondern uns und anderen den Segen zu sichern, den Gott bereit ist zu geben, der jedoch von unseren Bitten abhängt. Um Segen zu empfangen, müssen wir hart arbeiten und uns dafür einsetzen. Beten ist eine Form von Arbeit, und das Gebet ist ein bestimmtes Gnadenmittel, um den größten Segen zu empfangen.”

Wir sollen uns auch „voll Eifer einer guten Sache widmen und ... viel Rechtschaffenheit zustande bringen.“ (L&B 58:27-28) Indem wir für andere da sind, werden wir Werkzeuge in Gottes Hand, um ihre Gebete zu erhöhen, und wir verlieren die Selbstsucht, die uns dazu treibt, Gottes Liebe und seine Motive in Frage zu stellen. John F. Kennedy hat gesagt: „Fragen Sie nicht, was Ihr Land für Sie tun kann - fragen Sie, was Sie für Ihr Land tun können.“ Um das Zitat können wir etwas anders formulieren: „Frage nicht, was Gott für dich tun kann, sondern was du für seine Kinder tun kannst“.

Abschließen möchte ich mit einer meiner Lieblingsstellen der Heiligen Schriften, von Moroni 7, Vers 48: „Darum, meine geliebten Brüder, betet mit der ganzen Kraft des Herzens zum Vater, dass ihr von dieser Liebe erfüllt werdet, die er all denen zuteil werden lässt, die wahre Nachfolger seines Sohnes Jesus Christus sind; damit ihr Söhne Gottes werdet; damit wir, wenn er erscheinen wird, ihm gleich sein werden, denn wir werden ihn sehen, wie er ist; damit wir diese Hoffnung haben; damit wir drein gemacht werden, so wie er rein ist.“  

Ich verstehe nun endlich, dass ich in meinem Streben, Gott zu begreifen und mehr wie er zu werden, ich muss aufhören, Gott wie meinen Oberkellner zu behandeln, und mich nicht mehr wie das störrische, verwöhnte Kind verhalte, das nicht immer das bekommt, was es will. Sondern ich will diese Beziehung zwischen liebendem Vater und gehorsamen Kind aufbaue. Ich erkenne nun deutlicher, wie oft er mir schon seinen Segen zuteil werden lassen hat. Das bereitet mich besser auf das vor, was das Leben mir noch „auftischen“ wird.

© 2014 Curt Whittaker

Oh, Waiter! I Didn’t Order This!

(One of several essays I've written, which I then used for Sacrament meeting talks. Also available in German.)

Some time ago I went out to eat at a nice restaurant. After contemplating the extensive menu, I finally selected and ordered what promised to be a delicious meal. When my plate was served, however, it did not appear as I expected and I questioned the waiter whether this was really what I had ordered. He assured me it was, so I decided to give it a try. But I just didn’t like it. In my more timid youth, I would never had said anything, even if the order was completely wrong. But when I thought of how much I was going to be paying for this dish, and the high hopes I had for it, I decided to be more assertive and politely asked the waiter if I could have something different. He was very accommodating and said something to the effect of: “Certainly. Life’s too short to have to eat something you don’t like.” When the new dish arrived, it was delicious, and the evening went more like I had hoped it would.

A few months later I received some disappointing news – something I had worked and prayed for wasn’t going to happen. After a heavy sigh, I thought to myself: “I’ve tried so hard, and this is what I get…. I didn’t order this. Send it back!” I had to chuckle, since my comment must have drawn upon my experience in the restaurant. Which made me ask myself: how much have I been treating my Heavenly Father like a waiter? How many of my prayers have been like ordering off a menu? “I’ll take one of those, and one of those, and… because I’ve been particularly good, one of those.” And then when the blessings arrive, disguised as everyday circumstances, I reject them because they’re not exactly what I ordered. Or if the blessings don’t come at all, I wonder about the level of service I’m getting.

All kidding aside, how many times have I been disappointed that my prayers were not answered just how I thought they should have been. How many times have I prayed for health and still gotten sick? How many times have I prayed for adequate financial success and still suffered setbacks? If I started to make a list of all the things I asked for and didn’t get, the list would be long and discouraging. I may be tempted to tally up the times I asked for bread, but was given a stone (see Matthew 7:9), or at least that’s what it looked like to me. But how would this help? How would this lead me to “praise God, from whom all blessings flow”? (Hymn 242) And most importantly, what would this do to my relationship with my Father in Heaven?

One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that expectations—those often unspoken things we want from another person—can be one of the hardest things on a relationship, especially if those expectations are unfulfilled. The greater the expectations, the greater the potential for disappointment. But I realized I was putting unfair expectations on my Heavenly Father, without fully consulting Him. I was expecting Him to follow my commands, as if He were my waiter, my genie, my grantor of wishes. I wondered why, if I was created in His image, was I trying to mold God to my own idea of what He should be? When expectations are shattered, and tragedy leads to despair, am I quick to accuse God of not following my plan, or even to question His existence: “How could a loving God allow this to happen?”

It is in those moments of greatest anguish, when I may feel most forsaken and forgotten, that I can reach out to my Heavenly Father and learn of His love for me. Rather than throw out an accusing, rhetorical question such as “why are You doing this to me?”, I can approach my Father in Heaven in meekness, seeking wisdom and understanding, and most of all, patience. Answers may not come quickly, or in the manner I expect, or perhaps not at all. But comfort and closeness can come just in the asking. Talking with Him and attentively listening, exercising humility and expressing gratitude for the blessings I enjoy – in spite of losses and heartaches, I can begin to know God as He really is, rather than simply how I think He ought to be. I have come to realize that some things that seem negative in my life are not so much hurtful as they are simply contrary to what I had planned on. I have come to know that sometimes bad things happen because of my own choices, or because of other people’s choices, or because the Lord is refining me (Isaiah 48:10) or accomplishing some other work. Or perhaps I am just experiencing one of the effects of life on this earth with its natural laws, which was also part of the plan of happiness which I joyfully embraced. I have a testimony that the Lord can intervene in miraculous ways to shield us from misfortune, but in His wisdom may not always do so. And He will never bless us by forcing someone else to behave a certain way, negating that person’s agency.

I recently read something President Boyd K. Packer taught on this subject: “Until you have a broad perspective of the eternal nature of [the plan], you won’t make much sense out of the inequities in life. Some are born with so little and others with so much. Some are born in poverty, with handicaps, with pain, with suffering. Some experience premature death, even innocent children. There are the brutal, unforgiving forces of nature and the brutality of man to man. We have seen a lot of that recently.



“Do not suppose that God willfully causes that which, for His own purposes, he permits. When you know the plan and the purpose of it all, even these things will manifest a loving Father in Heaven” ( The Play and the Plan [satellite broadcast, 7 May 1995], 1–2) [emphasis added].

In the early days of the Church, many righteous members suffered painful, violent persecution, just as many believers have throughout history. While crossing the plains to the Salt Lake Valley, many saints were protected in miraculous ways, while others suffered greatly or even died along the way. We need not assume God loved some and not others. Rather, we can take comfort in the fact that He knows and loves each one of us, even to the hairs on our head (Luke 12:6-7), and will give those gifts best suited for each person individually. And as painful as it may be, we can learn and grow from every experience. We are not intended to go through life without any challenges or trials. Indeed, the Lord has told us that we will have afflictions, but encourages us to be patient and he will help us to bear them and become stronger for them. “Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days.” (D&C 24:8. See also Alma 26:27-31 and Mosiah 24:10-15.)

If we realize that life may not go as we plan, that our prayers may not be answered in the manner and time that we want, should we stop asking and stop striving? Of course not! The Lord counseled us: “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.” (D&C 88:63; see also Alma 34:17-27).

In our Bible Dictionary, part of the definition of prayer teaches: “As soon as we learn the true relationship in which we stand toward God (namely, God is our Father, and we are His children), then at once prayer becomes natural and instinctive on our part ( Matt. 7:7–11 ). Many of the so-called difficulties about prayer arise from forgetting this relationship. Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.”

We are also to be “anxiously engaged in a good cause… and bring to pass much righteousness” (D&C 58:27-28). By serving others, we become instruments in the Lord’s hand to answer their prayers, and we will begin to shed the selfishness that causes us to question God’s love and His motives. To paraphrase John F. Kennedy:  Ask not what God can do for you – ask God what you can do for His children.

In closing, let me share one of my favorite scriptures, from Moroni 7:48: “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure.”

I am finally comprehending that as I seek to know my Heavenly Father, and to become more like Him, and stop treating Him like my personal waiter, I will build that relationship of loving Father and obedient child, rather than the sometimes willful child who does not always get what he wants. I will more clearly see the countless blessings he has already bestowed on me. As I do so, I will be better prepared to take on whatever life dishes out.

© 2014 Curt Whittaker

Controversies over Benghazi

I am speaking as a private citizen, not as a representative of the US government. I continue to be shocked and disheartened by the vitriolic accusations by armchair quarterbacks related to the attack on the US Consulate in Benghazi, Lybia. I wish those who are quick to spread these comments knew the facts and the big picture. But hatred and arrogance are strong emotions, and can be easily pumped up beyond reason and truth. Latest news reports counter the rumors. 

Just a few thoughts. First, Marines are stationed at embassies - NOT consulates - to protect materials and facilities, not necessarily the people. Consulates especially rely on other security measures. Second, consulates are usually smaller, less-impressive and often temporary buildings in far-flung neighborhoods. We could do a lot more to build fortified diplomatic facilities with more security forces, if Congress and the people were willing to pay for it. But we have to find a balance and learn to make do with what we have. Third, no matter who the President is or the political party in charge is, we don't send military troops into a foreign country for every threat against our diplomats or facilities. Would you be OK with the Chinese or Russians sending troops onto US soil if they felt their consulate was threatened? Refraining from shooting first and asking questions later is often a sign of maturity, not cowardice. But even if a counterattack is deemed appropriate, you still have to deal with the realities of time, distance, physical terrain, national boundaries of sovereign countries, and innocent bystanders. This isn't Star Trek. We can't just beam down at a moment's notice, right where we need to be, with our phasers set on stun. 

Were mistakes made regarding Benghazi? Undoubtedly. Just like in any emergency situation. Were there mixed messages about it? Yes, although I hear a lot of blame toward the President about what someone else said. Is that a cover-up? No - what would be the point? The security measures and the ability to respond in Benghazi were not out of the norm. Can the President prevent every act of violence or natural disaster? Of course not. Can we learn from this tragedy? Yes, just as we did from the bombings of our embassies in Africa, and from the attacks of 9/11. But it always takes months, and sometimes years to piece together all the facts, figure out how you can mitigate the risk, and determine which plan is the right balance of security and cost. 

Finally, and most importantly, diplomats know that our safety cannot be guaranteed. We prepare, we take precautions, within reason and budget. In every post I've been at, I have lived and worked behind high walls topped with razor wire. Everywhere I've been posted so far I've  heard gunfire, sometimes distant, sometimes close. In Mexico, both our consulate and our house were hit by bullets. But in the end, as part of a multi-prong strategy of national security that includes diplomacy and defense, we willingly go out there and take the risks with the belief that we can help turn enemies and strengthen friendships. We honor our colleagues who make that the ultimate sacrifice. 

Love Songs

Maybe I'm just into making lists lately.

For a number of years now, I have made a CD of hand-picked love songs for Mary as a Christmas present. I may have missed a year here and there over the last decade, but I've made 7 CDs. It started it out as just a quick idea -- putting together a collection from physical CDs I already had on hand. As I've tried to make each one, it's become a bit more work and expense, since I preview a ton of songs and buy quite a few as I try to put together a really good mix. As Christmas approaches each year (or after Christmas in a few instances), I spend hours in iTunes sampling, selecting, and re-ordering. The last two (6 & 7) have been the best -- and the compilations Mary has liked the most, I think. Especially lately, I've tried to think not only of the lyrics, but listen to how the music mixes and matches.

I decided to put together a list of all the songs I've put on these CDs to give me an idea of what all I've done -- and to help avoid inadvertently repeating a song, which I've done at least once.

As I looked over the list, a few patterns emerged. There is usually at least one song in Spanish, usually one Country song, at least one from a musical (sometimes more), and sometimes one "fun" or unusual song. If not the entire album, at least several of the songs follow some kind of theme or specific sentiment (besides the general "I love you"). Sometimes I included songs that didn't fit the theme or were even considered love songs. But I like the song and it sounds nice in the mix. Each CD is definitely an diverse mix. Most of the songs could be heard on an "oldies" station now. That's funny - when I was a teenager, I enjoyed the novelty of oldies, but didn't think they were any better than what was available on current pop stations. Now I can't help but think of these old songs as not only favorites from years past, but really much better than what's being performed these days. A true sign that I'm aging!

During these projects, especially more recently as I've looked for more songs to fill the CD, I've discovered some music I hadn't heard before, and some artists I was not all that familiar with. Artist I've especially come to like: Eva Cassidy. (Sadly, she passed away from breast cancer.) Artists I will need to look for more: Ben Folds and Jason Mraz.

Here is the list. I don't know whether it gives more insight into my taste in music or into my relationship with Mary.

Mary 1

Name   >   Artist/ Album

• Just the Way You Are   >   Billy Joel/ Greatest Hits Vol. 1
• Unforgettable   >   Natalie Cole/ Unforgettable With Love
• When I Fall In Love   >   Celine Dion & Clive Griffin/ Sleepless In Seattle
• The Longest Time   >   Billy Joel/ Greatest Hits, Vol. II
• Más Que Una Caricia   >   Elvis Crespo/ Top Latino 2000
• You're Still The One   >   Shania Twain/ VH1 Divas Live
• You Belong To Me   >   Vonda Shepard/ Songs from Ally McBeal
• Tell Him   >   Vonda Shepard/ Songs from Ally McBeal
• Stand By Your Man   >   Tammy Wynette/ Sleepless In Seattle
• When You Say Nothing At All   >   Country Current/ Havin' A Ball
• I Only Want To Be With You   >   Vonda Shepard/ Songs from Ally McBeal
• The Night Is Still Young   >   Billy Joel/ Greatest Hits, Vol. II
• Run To You   >   Whitney Houston/ The Bodyguard - Soundtrack
• You Are Not Alone   >   Michael Jackson/ History (Disc 2)
• A Love Before Time (English)   >   CoCo Lee/ Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
• I'll Be There   >   Mariah Carey/ MTV Unplugged (EP)
• Enseñame Tu, Piensalo Bien Bolero Medley   >   Tito Puente, Eddie Palmeri/ Masterpiece (Obra Maestra)
• I Just Cant Stop Loving You   >   Michael Jackson/ History (Disc 1)
• All I Ask Of You (With Cliff Richard)   >   Sarah Brightman/ The Andrew Lloyd Webber Collection

Mary 2

• Still   >   The Commodores/ Lionel Richie: The Definitive Collection
• Hello Again   >   Neil Diamond/ Neil Diamond 12 Greatest Hits
• Here We Are   >   Gloria Estefan/ Greatest Hits
• For All We Know   >   The Carpenters/ The Singles 1969-1973
• It Wasn't Love Before   >   Liz Draper & Ron Williams/ Michael McLean: One Heart in the Right Place
• Through the Eyes of Love (Theme from "Ice Castles")   >   Melissa Manchester/ The Essence of Melissa Manchester
• Neither the Man without the Woman   >   Steven Kapp Perry/ Come to the House of the Lord
• May I Have This Dance?   >   Unknown Artists/ The Dance
• Endless Love   >   Lionel Richie & Diana Ross/ Lionel Richie: The Definitive Collection
• Love's Theme   >   Barry White/ Hot Hits of the 70s Vol. 1
• Colour My World   >   Chicago/ The Very Best of Chicago - Only the Beginning
• I Do (Cherish You)   >   98º/ Notting Hill
• Always and Forever   >   Luther Vandross/ Songs
• Con Los Años Que Me Quedan   >   Gloria Estefan/ Mi Tierra
• Not While I'm Around (From Sweeney Todd)   >   Donny Osmond & Vanessa Williams/ This Is the Moment
• Truly   >   Lionel Richie/ Lionel Richie: The Definitive Collection
• All I Know of Love (Duet with Josh Groban)   >   Barbra Streisand/ Duets
• Wind Beneath My Wings   >   Bette Midler/ Beaches
• Best Thing That Ever Happened   >   Gladys Knight & The Pips/ Imagination

Mary 3

• You Are the Sunshine of My Life   >   Stevie Wonder/ Stevie Wonder: The Definitive Collection
• Baby Come to Me   >   James Ingram/ Forever More (Love Songs, Hits & Duets)
• If   >   Bread/ Bread: Retrospective
• I've Got a Crush on You   >   Linda Ronstadt/ What's New
• The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face   >   Roberta Flack/ First Take
• All My Life   >   Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville/ The Very Best of Linda Ronstadt
• Love at First Sight   >   Styx/ Styx: Greatest Hits, Pt. 2
• At Last (Single)   >   Etta James/ The Essential Etta James
• Can't Help Falling In Love   >   Elvis Presley/ Elvis: 30 #1 Hits
• There's a Hero   >   Billy Gilman/ God Bless America: For the Benefit of the Twin Towers Fund
• Hero (LP Version)   >   Mariah Carey/ Hero
• You Raise Me Up   >   Josh Groban/ Closer
• Hero   >   Enrique Iglesias/ Escape
• Forever More (I'll Be the One)   >   James Ingram/ Forever More (Love Songs, Hits & Duets)
• You and I (We Can Conquer the World)   >   Stevie Wonder/ Talking Book
• This I Promise You   >   *NSYNC/ No Strings Attached
• Un Te Amo   >   Luis Miguel/ 33
• The Long and Winding Road   >   The Beatles/ 1
• Teach Me Tonight   >   Al Jarreau/ Breakin' Away

Mary 4

• Suddenly   >   Olivia Newton-John/ Xanadu
• Precious And Few   >   Climax/ One Hit Wonders
• Reminiscing   >   Little River Band/ Hot Hits of the 70s Vol. 8
• Unchained Melody   >   Righteous Brothers/ The Very Best of the Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody
• Love Me Tender   >   Elvis Presley/ Elvis: 30 #1 Hits
• Sway   >   The Pussycat Dolls/ Shall We Dance?
• Nuestra Felicidad   >   Gloria Estefan/ Alma Caribeña (Caribbean Soul)
• Maria   >   Leonard Bernstein/ West Side Story
• Amazed   >   Lonestar/ Lonestar: From There to Here - Greatest Hits
• I Finally Found Someone   >   Barbra Streisand & Bryan Adams/ Duets
• Let's Stay Together   >   Al Green/ Al Green: Greatest Hits
• Through the Eyes of Love (Theme from "Ice Castles")   >   Melissa Manchester/ The Essence of Melissa Manchester
• Bridge Over Troubled Water   >   Simon & Garfunkel/ The Best Of Simon & Garfunkel
• Take My Breath Away   >   Tuck & Patti/ Tears of Joy
• Every Time I Look At You   >   Il Divo/ Il Divo
• In Your Wildest Dreams   >   Tina Turner/ Wildest Dreams
• When You Say You Love Me   >   Josh Groban/ Closer
• The Man You Love   >   Il Divo/ Il Divo
• Suspended in Time   >   Olivia Newton-John/ Xanadu

Mary 5

• Wishing You Were Here   >   Chicago/ The Very Best of Chicago - Only the Beginning
• Never Gonna Let You Go   >   Sergio Mendes/ Pure 80's Love - The #1 Hits
• Puppy Love   >   Donny Osmond/ 20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: The Best of Donny Osmond
• I'll Never Love This Way Again   >   Dionne Warwick/ Platinum & Gold Collection: Dionne Warwick
• Suddenly   >   Billy Ocean/ Billy Ocean: Greatest Hits
• I Don't Want to Live Without You   >   Foreigner/ The Very Best and Beyond
• Ain't No Mountain High Enough (Edit Version)   >   Diana Ross/ 20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: The Best of Diana Ross
• You're the First, the Last, My Everything   >   Barry White/ Can't Get Enough
• Never Can Say Goodbye (Single)   >   Jackson 5/ 20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: The Best of the Jackson 5
• The Closer I Get to You   >   Roberta Flack/ Softly With These Songs - The Best of Roberta Flack
• Somos novios (It's Impossible)   >   Andrea Bocelli & Christina Aquilera/ Amore
• You Needed Me   >   Anne Murray/ The Best...So Far
• Longer   >   Dan Fogelberg/ The Very Best of Dan Fogelberg
• Each Day Gets Better   >   John Legend/ Once Again
• All I Know   >   Art Garfunkel/ Garfunkel
• Hasta Mi Final   >   Il Divo/ Ancora
• Lady   >   Kenny Rogers/ 42 Ultimate Hits
• In Her Eyes   >   Josh Groban/ Awake
• Si Tu Me Amas   >   Il Divo/ Ancora

Mary 6

• When I First Saw You   >   Jamie Foxx/ Dreamgirls
• Fields of Gold   >   Eva Cassidy/ Songbird
• You Light Up My Life   >   Debby Boone/ The Best of Debby Boone
• I Honestly Love You   >   Olivia Newton-John/ Gold: Olivia Newton-John
• I Will Be   >   Leona Lewis/ Spirit (Deluxe Version)
• My Cup Runneth Over (From the Musical Production "I Do, I Do")   >   Ed Ames/ My Cup Runneth Over
• Can You Feel The Love Tonight   >   Elton John/ The Lion King
• Everything   >   Michael Bublé/ Everything - Single
• Kiss the Girl   >   Samuel E. Wright/ Disney's Greatest, Vol. 1
• Misty   >   Johnny Mathis/ The Essential Johnny Mathis
• Only You (And You Alone)   >   The Platters/ The Platters: The Magic Touch Anthology
• Love Will   >   Darius Rucker/ Love Will - Single
• Now or Never   >   Josh Groban/ Awake
• Perdoa Meu Amor   >   Marisa Monte/ Universo Ao Meu Redor
• Te Necesito   >   Luis Miguel Feat. Dr. Musik/ 33
• My Love   >   Paul McCartney & Wings/ Wingspan - Hits and History (Remastered)
• Never Knew Love Like This Before   >   Stephanie Mills/ Hot Hits of the 70s Vol. 2
• You're the Inspiration   >   Chicago/ Chicago 17
• Time After Time   >   Eva Cassidy/ Time After Time

Mary 7

• Without You   >   Rosario Dawson Adam Pascal/ Rent
• I Won't Last a Day Without You (1991  Remix)   >   Carpenters/ Love Songs
• Always On My Mind   >   Michael Bublé/ Call Me Irresponsible (Bonus Track Version)
• They Were You   >   Kenneth Nelson & Rita Gardner/ The Fantasticks
• Wind Beneath My Wings   >   Bette Midler/ Beaches
• Got to Be There   >   Michael Jackson/ Motown Legends: Michael Jackson
• Take My Breath Away   >   Berlin/ Metro: Greatest Hits
• Your Love, My Home   >   Joshua Payne/ Your Love, My Home
• Shining Star   >   The Manhattans/ Love Songs
• Your Song   >   Elton John/ Hot Hits of the 70s Vol. 1
• As Long As You're Mine   >   Idina Menzel & Leo Norbert Butz/ Wicked (Original Broadway Cast Recording)
• Grow Old With Me   >   Mary Chapin Carpenter/ Party Doll and Other Favorites
• It's Your Love   >   Tim McGraw & Faith Hill/ Everywhere
• Te Amaré   >   Osé/ Serás
• Lucky (feat. Colbie Caillat)   >   Jason Mraz/ We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things
• The Luckiest   >   Ben Folds/ Rockin' the Suburbs
• Anniversary Song   >   Eva Cassidy/ Time After Time
• (I've Had) The Time of My Life [Glee Cast Version]   >   Glee Cast/ (I've Had) The Time of My Life
• That's What Friends Are For   >   Dionne Warwick (With Elton John, Gladys Knight and Stevie Wonder)/ Platinum & Gold Collection: Dionne Warwick